 | Here are some tips I found on the internet, some thing you should look out for and some you just shouldn't do, and some just really comical.
Spelling and Grammar
The most obvious ones are spelling and grammar. It is surprising just how many CVs we receive with spelling and grammar faults. In fact it is very rare indeed to receive a CV without at least some spelling and grammar faults. It is a mistake to think that an employer will not spot your mistakes. Mistakes show a lack of thoroughness and this alone could cost you your job. Format
Getting the format right is much harder than it sounds. Not only does the CV have to be of the correct length, but needs to have the right balance too. In addition to all of this it needs to look good, and read easily. If a CV doesn't look the part then there is a chance that it may never be read. Employers are very busy people, and don't always have time to read every CV. No matter how good the content is on your CV, if it does not look professional enough it could go straight in the bin. Content
The content is possibly the hardest part of your CV to get right. Even if you possess excellent English skills, there are correct and incorrect ways of putting across the content on your CV. Get the content right (and everything else on your CV) and you could land the job of your dreams, but get it wrong and you are simply wasting your time. The Profile
If you break your CV down into sections, the hardest section to get right is the profile. We find that at least 90% of the profiles we receive need improving, and the vast majority need completely re-writing as many people simply just do not have the necessary skills and experience to write a good profile. This is highly significant because a good profile is often what sets a good CV apart from an average CV. The X factor
Even if you have a CV with no errors, good content, and excellent format you are still not guaranteed an interview. The reason for this is that your CV also needs to stand out from the crowd. There are often 50 or more applicants for each job. If you send off your CV without correctly addressing the problem 'how do I make my CV stand out?' then the chances are it could just get lost in the pile. Other Mistakes
The mistakes mentioned above are just some of the many mistakes which people make when they create their CV. The vast majority of CVs we receive are from people who think that they have not made any mistakes, but they want to double check just in case. These same people are then astonished when they discover just how many mistakes we find and just how many improvements we make. How can I avoid mistakes?
Well you can always spend an hour or two examining your CV to try to find areas for improvement.
If you do this the chances are that you will make some improvements, but unless you really do know what you are looking for, there will still be errors and areas which need improving.
- “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”
- “1990 - 1997: Stewardess - Royal Air Force”
- Hobbies: “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
- “Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.”
- Cleaning skills: “bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c”
- “Job involved…counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available”
- “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people”
- “I’m intrested to here more about that. I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
- “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
- “Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with”
- “I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality…”
- Candidate included a letter from his mother.
- Candidate stated the ability to persuade people sexually using her words.
- Candidate wrote résumé as a play - Act 1, Act 2, etc.
- Candidate included naked picture of himself.
- “an applicant ghosted a headshot as the background to her resume”
- Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
- “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border”
- Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”
- Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”
- A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume
- Hobbies: “Drugs and girls”.
- Under “job related skills” - for a web designer - “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.
- My sister-in-law misspelled the word “proofreading” in her skill set.
- The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.
- Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”
- Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
- “I am great with the pubic.”
- A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
- The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.
- One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude.
- “…sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm…”
- “My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”
- One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn’t like dealing with blood or needles.
- Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
- I once received a resume with a head and shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion’s head, wearing a coat, shirt, and tie.
- a resume… was printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead.
- One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.
- A resume… had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it
- Hobbies: “Having a good time”
- Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
- Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
- Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”
- Candidate included family medical history.
- “nine-page cover letter accompanied by a four-page résumé”
- “One applicant tried to make an impression by using four different fonts, three ink colors and a variety of highlighting options on her résumé”
- “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.”
- “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”
- “Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.”
- “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”
- “I often use a laptap.”
- “Able to say the ABCs backward in under five seconds.”
- “I am a wedge with a sponge taped to it. My purpose is to wedge myself into someone’s door to absorb as much as possible.”
- “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
- “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
- “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
- “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
- “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
- “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
- “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
- “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
- “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
- “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
- “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
- “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
- “I am loyal to my employer at all costs..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
- “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
- Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”
- Interests: “Gossiping.”
- Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”
- Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
- Employer: ” Myself; received pay raise for high sales.”
- Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.”
- Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.”
- Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
- Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
- Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
- Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
- Additional skills: “I am a Notary Republic.”
- Objective: “So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’”
- Skills: “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
- Objective: “To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day.”
- Skills: “I have technical skills that will take your breath away.”
- Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
- Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
- Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.”
- Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
- Skills: “Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years.”
- Objective: “I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.”
- Education: “I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more.”
- Education: “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
- Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”
- Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
- Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
- References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
- Work experience: “Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get.”
- Personal: “I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do.”
- Objective: “Student today. Vice president tomarrow.”
- Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.”
- Application: Why should an employer hire you? “I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
- Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982.”
- Reason for leaving: “Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
- Special skills: “I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”
- Reason for leaving last job: “Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.”
- Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
- Objective: “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”
- Objective: “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.”
- Hobbies: “Mushroom hunting.”
- Experience: “Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.”
- Objective: “My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.”
- Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”
- Heading on stationery: “I’d Break Mom’s Heart to Work For You!”
- “I am a ‘neat nut’ with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime.”
- Experience: “Provide Custer Service.”
- Experience: “I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.”
- Strengths: “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
- Work experience: “Responsibilities included checking customers out.”
- Work experience: “Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees’ paychecks.”
- Educational background: “Highschool was a incredible experience.”
- Resume: “A great management team that has patents with its workers.”
- Cover letter: “Experienced in all faucets of accounting.”
- Objective: “I am anxious to use my exiting skills.”
- Personal: “I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut.”
- Job duties: “Filing, billing, printing and coping.”
- Application: “Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking.”
- Reason for leaving: “Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.’”
- Personal: “My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando’s proximity to Disney World.”
- Resume: “I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born - my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
- Resume: “Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.”
- Qualifications: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
- “I am fully aware of the king of attention this position requires.”
- References: “Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference.”
- “Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant.”
- Accomplishments: “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”
- Career: “I have worked with restraints for the past two years.”
- Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
- Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”
My Job Is To… - Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
- Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
- Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
- Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
- Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
- Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
- Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
- Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
- Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
- Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
- Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
- Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
- Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
- Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
- Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
- Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
- Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
- Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
- Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
- Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
- Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
- Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
- Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
- Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
- Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
- Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
- Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
- Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
- Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
- Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
- Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
- Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
- Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
- Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
- Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
- Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
- Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
- Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
- Run away and call the police: Security Guard
- Copy and paste the Internet: Student
The Top 10 - Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
- Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
- Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
- Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
- Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
- Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
- Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
- Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
- Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
- Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee
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